Stream of Consciousness originally
from the Crispian Mills Message
Board On to SOC Vol. 3 Jasmine:
Poem: The Guide
A guide to you,
Copyright © by Jasmine K. MysticalK: I feel so empty, YNYS: You know you've reached across the barriers
when a small, but shining ray of light breathes "satyam, shivam aur
sundaram" (truth, love and beauty) into one letter. There is no 'long road
to travel' when a satellite of India writes to you letters of experience, hope,
and of a life being lived in the way of God. I see the path is short, only I am
occasionally stopping and even sometimes drifting backward. Hold tight onto my
hand, Premavatar, I promise to make my way back to you. Someday I will see your
face, little Mukunda's, and the faces of everything true in one. Namo
Siddhanam...
Flashbax: Singing in the classes Pitry: Lines chased away in a blue savage way You know Pink Floyd's song, Shine on you crazy
diamond? The way it starts slow, quiet, becomes faster and "heavier"
and...nosier, but still quite in a weird way. And then when they start singing,
'Remember when you were round, you shone like the sun."... And part
two...it starts all heavy and noisy, and then gets slower... "and we'll
bask in the shadow of yesterday's triumph, and sail on the steel breeze"...
Did you ever feel like you're a part of a Pink Floyd tune, really?
GOVINDA: Shine my Day YNYS: The blonde woman is making some plans for
trudging on with the man when she catches the eye of one of the children. She
says 'I love you' and the child turns around to another child and repeats it.
Enter a blonde boy, younger, maybe 16, 17. Gazing in a mirror at himself and
whispers 'beautiful'. Then he casts his eyes downward, smiles a little and
whispers again 'beautiful'. He lowers his face into a basin of water. And this
is what I see just before I open my eyes in the morning! And the sound of voices
singing and pulsating in time with gusts of wind…
GLDN74: There's a 50 mile smile on my face that
won't go away, To all those who opposed, We stood our ground, we kept the faith. YNYS: Millions scream, a few hundred listen
questioningly, and an incredibly smaller amount understand. Yet, one has been
let down. They live their lives out in different ways, but at shared instances
in their lives they have blinked their eyes and thought "ah, *here* is
God!". The poor little ones are those who believe their experiences have
been singular to them alone, poorer yet are those who believe they must convince
others of these experiences. "This world is such confusion! I shall go
through it and in the end have brought a few hundred with me".
Here is the problem. The small amount are so easy
to see but the equals sign still hasn't been placed! In this mass of hundreds
who know just "seems" the few are elbowed as they walk their steady
paths. The few are those that are unafraid to show their every emotion. I know
the one in this hundred-pulling-few that has tried the hardest and at whom
everyone laughs the loudest. Hundreds will clap and stare, a few will
understand, yet one has been let down. Is this slight convenience worth it? Or
is that laughter coming in my direction?
"Una Esperanza for Serbia" He
kisses me goodnight, he turns out the light...Oh Father, listen to how the
coo-coo goes, tengo miedo (I'm afraid). I do not understand, I cannot speak your
language. What are the words for anger and frustration? Why learn to speak when
only a few understand what you are saying? Pero Papa, yo comprende Usted. Este
grito de amor [this scream of love], se lo doy al cielo [I give unto the
heavens], le pregunto tanto, tanto tanto [I ask so much, so much, so much] - no
contesta, nada [it does not answer, nothing].
"...Stoilijkovic, refused to meet
Kostunica's representatives, instead asking them: 'What have you done to
Belgrade?'" Que es el precio de la libertad? "Express yourself completely then keep
quiet. Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it
rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through" -
Tao te Ching How do I know this is true? By looking inside myself. Whether we
meet, touch, or talk, we (you all and me) are always together.
GLDN74: SONY with the floorshow, GOVINDA: Golden nights YNYS: I don't want to be a part of your nation
anymore. I don't feel any pride to look at your flag anymore. How is it I grew
up? How can I swallow anymore? Why is it that I've never felt bullets piecing
apart my growing up? "Death was waiting for Mohammed". My Premavatar
is younger than I am, but look at me turning again to her for help!
YNYS: Oooooh, stretch my back, stretch my neck,
rub my eyes. Oh my, I was in paradise.
I was in that state of immutability that the
brain cannot remember nor call to mind but only store away as a definite
occurrence. In spite of the impression the sun filtering through the blinds
makes, in spite of the smell of October flattering everything, there is that
"seriousness" while I talk, as I see, in every breath. I am not alive
if I burden my life with desires and ambition. Death is maddening only because
our lives are so.
The seriousness…it courses through wooden
paintbrushes and pigment to document a faint creature. This creature is
beautiful for it’s vulnerability and the strength it holds in the universe. I
am like this creature. I am losing my mind.
Book suggestion: Krishnamurti's Notebook (He'll
have you digging back in the recesses of your childhood and remembering
everything you wouldn't remember otherwise).
I want nothing more than this. Don't want
anything else. If I could have just one thing. I didn't even ask yesterday. The
whole world has opened up and confirmation from California makes it so. Perhaps
I won't ask so much anymore, for us there is only the trying.
(¿Ah, pero por qué otros son ciego? [Why are
others blind?]) COURTNEY the neighborhood sadist: For a long time
I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t alone, GLDN74: 07:45am - My face is half covered in
Alpha-Gel and there's a satisfactory amount of bristle in the sink.
3-Knocks signal the arrival of the glittering
prize, the single most important piece of mail this week.
I sign on the dotted line in my most shaky
handwriting, still not sure if this is real or just some Red-Bull induced
illusion. But it's real and it's happening too fast.
Kerry smiles as I grab my car keys and head off
to the world of grey suits and corporate ass-kissers, all leading their ordered
little lives, but I stand out, I'm not one of them and now I know I never will
be.
The countdown, the show of a thousand shows
begins, roll on next Saturday. Hurry on Sundown!
NA: My world lays through the golden desert, YNYS: Think of all the faces you have never seen,
all the voices that haven't had the chance to say 'I love you', so much warmth
that you wish would break through the clouds. But October is ending. You will
never feel this day again. There is truly something beautiful about that. GLDN74: I found this poetry on a picture at the
docklands hotel, it seemed appropriate...
We all dream of being majestic and high. KARLA: Did you ever? Yeah, this little stupid poem GOVINDA: Just say that I'm a bitch, COURTNEY: I can't make anymore promises,
about
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a guide into you,
this day unfolds itself
in the life of you.
Autumn, golden and frosty,
a feeling distinct and away,
it dwindles as do the leaves,
while the rain showers begin
with droplets of indigo
descending from the gray sky.
Let the Light fall upon you.
The shadows will be cast away.
They lingered on the walls
as the shadow of your image falls.
The fair maiden,
who waits by the window,
overlooking the meadows,
has listened to every tale
woven by the story weavers.
like an open sky with no sun.
The sky is clouding over.
It’s getting darker for every day.
Now, when the sun is covered,
I imagine how much I love her,
but now it’s too late,
it’s all my fault.
Music for your masses
Give no head
No backstage passes
Have a proper giggle
I'll be quite polite
But when I rock the mike
I rock the mike (right)
You got no love then you're with the wrong man
It's time to move your body
If you can't get a girl but your best friend can
It's time to move your body.
OM.
Poetry has lost its meaning, lost its say
Forward we go, chanting in rhymes
Reading the rest we have left in time
And we don't know where to go
Flying like birds, it only goes to show
That we tried our best, now we're doing
Our best for living, not leaving
And scattered in and out, purple lions
Scream and shout
Forward we go, alone and we blow
And all that is now will never be shown
Reading the rest we have left in time
Slowly disappearing, we're chanting in rhymes
There's so much we try to understand
Slowly, we're flying like dreaming we stand
Shine my day, oh blue eyed man
Shine my day with your guitar
Shine my day, oh hidden man
Shine my day with your smile
Say the words I waited for long
Say the truth in every song
Every sight will make me as strong
As the freedom of your world.
Spread some faith in every heart
Revolutionize without a war
Light my mind with your star
Shine my day and every night
The support has been justified.
All the times of doubt,
All the times of pain,
Washed away by the knowledge,
He was here all the time.
It would be easy to tell you where to get off,
But that's not what we're about,
We still welcome you with open arms,
The love and the honesty apparent for all to see.
Driven on by the determination to be here,
Battled through the sound of drums, not grateful to be dead,
We rose high above, this cycle of confusion
Dodged the mystical machine gun fire, shouted ‘hey dude’ at NME.
Arose in our time, to the great hosannah,
We read the news, even when it didn't fascinate,
Drowned our sorrows with a knight on the town,
Spent summer on the 303,
chucked a few stones and shattered our reflections (with questions)
And chanted Radhe Radhe Radhe, like it was our last day on earth.
We've got our revolution for fun, so let's enjoy it.
There's not many fans who are as lucky as we are.
That smile is still there and it's getting bigger.
(Parts of this entry were taken from a song called "El Reloj Cucu" by
Mana. The last quote comes from today's paper.)
kicked us in the torso,
Flashbax getting high
and Karla even more so
Wave your hands for Crispian's plan
can I get tickets? (yes you can)
I got (cake)
You got (pi)
We got everybody
Stian's got the gift,
Neil stuck it in the goal,
it's time to shout at SONY.
Crispian's back in business,
SONY, are you with us?
What the board members sang,
Ynyswyth do you hear me,
SOC control, can you feel me,
Need permission to rant.
I don’t want the SOC, DJ,
But Crispian thinks it's nice,
When's it gonna stop, DJ,
The SOC is keeping me up all night.
SONY in the classes,
Kula for the masses,
Do I have to give head for backstage passes?
Have another vodka,
Ellie's quite polite
Bet when I rock the board,
I rock the board right,
Jedi got no tickets, cos she's with the wrong man,
It's time to mail webmaster,
Fran can’t get a ticket, but his best friend can,
IT'S TIME TO MAIL WEBMASTER!!
I don't wanna be sleazy,
With the tickets you tease me,
Got no days off work planned,
Ynyswyth, do hear me, SOC control,
Can you feel me, need permission to rant.
I don’t want the SOC, DJ,
But Crispian thinks it's nice,
When's it gonna stop, DJ,
The SOC is keeping me up all night.
New albums aren’t easy,
I watch this board fleece me,
Every night,
'Let me have it' will tease us,
but when he's selling it,
It's alright.
COME ON!!
I don’t want the SOC, DJ,
But Crispian thinks it's nice,
When's it gonna stop, DJ,
The SOC is keeping me up all night.
I don’t want the SOC, DJ,
But Crispian thinks it's nice,
When's it gonna stop, DJ,
The SOC is keeping me up all night.
Sweet cold dreams
Come and fight
against my fears
Lonely nights
Quiet dreams
Full my mind
of deep blue seas
Smiling stars
Childish dreams
Bring the light
and rain with tears
High far skies
with many suns
Fly and try
To reach my soul
Look that comet
is a smile
crossing all
the amazing sky
That galaxy
is my home
And that black hole
is my world
Mars and Venus
Love and war
Cloudy wishes
between the lines
Shining moon
diamond sky
dancing brightly
by my side
Golden nights
Lonely dreams
Cross the universe
And spread the peace
"But I wish I felt nothing...
Then it might...be...easy for me...like it is...for you" -Jakob Dylan
it takes a long time to know who actually is on your side.
Then I finally let myself know it was me and only me,
no one really cares.
People have tried to get to feel like they belong to something,
but really those things are just tearing people apart.
They say we can save the world if we stand here together,
but there’s always so many worlds to see.
There is no meaning for the word 'friend',
people just talk too much,
there’s an own world in everybody’s own head,
and the key for it is outta reach.
Will I ever find my friend,
will I ever find right love,
the only friend is your own head,
sleep my friend, it's been a long day.
In sand, under the killing Sun...
Don't take your mind with you there - lose it,
Leave all your memory behind...
To come with me you should have courage...
To fly with me you should have love...
Forget the words and hear the silence,
Enjoy the dance of angelic souls.
Don't take for granted life’s illusions,
Just give a look in eyes of Sun.
And please don't make any conclusions -
There's nothing life could not deny...
He looked and you looked...blink - he's still following you, fading out of
sight...blink - you will never know him that way again. And some of us lie in
bed and wonder how life could get this far out of hand. I ask and I ask and I
ask.
There is truly something beautiful in this.
Grad (Broken Glass): Frustration! Anger! Window’...Glass!
Then Frozen Moment... Then songs of a thousand falling stars…
Like Water drops shacked off fresh rose into the light...
It breaks into a million Diamond-Plays of Child Life...
It's pure Freedom Feeling...like crossing Mountain Spring...
Like dancing on the Sun Rays with happy bare feet...
Frustration... ...Anger… Freedom...
Distraction...- newborn Life?
From Chaos...--> to the Reason?
Eternal Q of In' and Jan'...Love!
GLDN74: Are you feeling the heat of the battles?
Does your soul bear the scares of forced feedback?
If you knew it would've turned out like this, would you have ever started down
this road?
Would you have chosen another life to lead?
Or would you have come along for the ride anyway?
Running won't solve any problems that walking one on one with a friend can. But
what ever happens next, I'll be two steps behind.
JEDI KNIGHT: The comfort in knowing there are pillows and television sets... The
comfort...such disconcerting comfort. Such foul and fizzled conceptions of
truth's truth.
If I was ever to trust it... silence me now. Change the vision and lose the
luxury and loyalty of hate. On second, loose the vision. Stay in one - big -
dark - room. At least foreign poisons flee from your mind...as your own take
over. Never again. Try...run...
GOVINDA: Miracles are your eyes
surrounded of endless light.
Miracle, the high blue sky
with sparkling spots as stars.
Miracle is your mind,
wisdom of velvet sights,
miracle is behind
the roof of the darken night.
Miracle you, a prophet said,
miracle, you will save my head,
miracle rise upon the thread
that holds on my life besides my death.
Explain the words I couldn't hear,
explain the pass of all these years
and every reason of all my fears,
explain the songs that light my ears.
Unspoken, unforgotten, unforgiving, unspoken, every silence in your mind, every
smile in your whole life, every tear, every friend, every road you decide to
take, every dream, in every night, every kiss and every fight, every love that
shines your soul, every reincarnation of your world, every change that turned to
last, merry recall of your past, every star on the sky is a life so close to
mine, every sparkle that you see, is what your life turns to be.
YNYS: Run and cry. The sun is out, I can't recall their faces. The sun is gone,
you reappear. I cry and I run getting weaker all the while. When will men
appreciate tenderness? Why do they bleed on me when they cut themselves on
thorns, after groping at the rosebushes? You, you appear every now and again in
my life, with or without a moustache, waiting for me outside my school, staring
at me through the shop window, making me afraid to leave or hovering about in
Internet wires. You, you bleed. You bleed and I run away and cry.
You try and wake up after being held down on the ground and bled on. Crying and
screaming "get off!", without enough hands to hold the arms away. Legs
too weak to kick. You try it and you would not survive. So why have I? And why
do you do it?
I was eight and I am twenty and it's all the same. Go on Kate, cry and run. I'll
be back y tu volveras (and you'll be back).
But I, being poor, have spread my dreams beneath your feet.
Please, tread carefully, when you tread upon my dreams.
You gonna?
What’s your…?
Where do you…?
Do you…? Why do you?
But is there?
Can you tell…?
Why have I?
Why didn’t I…?
Can you understand?
How come…?
What the…?
Is it?
Would you?
Now what?
Maybe I should…
GOVINDA: I nearly know you.
I can't understand.
Why do I need you?
Your hand near mine?
I've seen you twice in my whole life
and all the time
you're in my mind.
May sound stupid,
may sound strange,
and I could be
the greatest jerk,
but I feel it real,
of course I do,
I wanna reveal
my love to you,
but is it love?
or just a dream?
a childish illusion
normal in me?
Tell me you'll hug me,
like you did that night,
dance down the moonlight,
as you swear to my eyes.
Oh, I'm so stupid!
Oh, I'm a girl,
lost in confusion.
I'm loosing my head,
you man that came
to shake my world.
I can't sleep,
like an old owl.
Oh, once again,
I'm here so blind,
making a mess,
with a little man.
All that we can't leave behind...
is dedicated to Luis,
the boy that I met at the last Friday party.
I hope you all have a beautiful day. ;-)
JEDI: A story of life? How vile!
~You don't like it?~
It disgusts me.
~How can you say that?~
No one could love this.
~Have you not heart?~
I feel ill.
~Please don't.~
Such incompetence.
~Oh please!~
Such a monstrosity.
~Please no!~
The thought makes me cringe.
~Oh god!~
You're nothing.
~I love you!~
I'm leaving.
~Stay.~
Nothing good could come of this.
~But I did it all for you...~
*considering...*
I sit and watch myself fade into the distance. Questioning who ran today’s
parade, I join the millions singing in silence. Yes, I suppose I HAVE lived with
it. For too long, now. For far too long. There comes a time in everyone's life
when they have to let go of their north stars, and golden lockets. When love is
only a game led by curiosity..., but who could feel as though they've lost? When
it runs through their blood, through their bones..., and everything around
them... When we have nothing to control... We were doing what we should..., were
listening... What part are you playing?
and get away from me,
don't come closer, dear,
I like it when I feel free.
Just say it, I won't care
cause it will be better
to leave you, I will dare
forget the eyes I stare.
Don't come so close to me.
I'm evil, can't u see?
I like to feel free.
I don't take it seriously.
I'm sorry, I really am.
My past is what I am.
I'd want to take your hand
and let you keep me warm.
I'd change it if I could.
I'd change my point of view.
I don't do what I should
and fall in love with you.
Just say it, I don't worth
your love and your sweet hugs
Oh, I would want to stop
the way I am in love.
Be careful when I'm near.
I play games with no fear.
The things I've lost in years
now will become your tears,
and I don't wanna hurt you,
so run and don't look back,
cause I won't suffer for you,
cause I'm playing with your heart.
But listen to my words...
I like you so so much
that I won't let myself hurt
you more that I can love.
it's like letting the sun shine on the night sky.
Why do we always have to smile,
like it would make any difference.
Everybody's lips are moving, but I can't hear anything,
maybe I don't even wanna understand,
empty thoughts with empty messages,
and someone actually believes.
Standing under a clock,
waiting for the magic dusts to wipe this all away.
Maybe it will never come,
after all there are only empty promises.
Golden Avatar74 (GLDN74): Choices to make,
Location over friendships,
Convenience over an experience,
Compromise is bliss.
To stay true to the music,
Is to stay away from the doubt,
To put myself out,
For one night only,
One hour in an audience with the guitar man,
Miles of faceless road,
For a two minute conversation and a photograph.
Surely, this is the stuff of teen visions and dreams.
Not the supposed rational thoughts of a twenty-something who ought to know
better.
Bring it on, Leadmill or Charlotte,
Book those golden tickets, admit one,
Someone find me a hotel, better hide the vodka.
YNYS: Kind of floated in, as one would...
ONE would. MANY would be silent in respect. ALL would smile and be choked for
words.
READ the words of my Premavatar. All signs point to:
Loneliness is a Human/Rajasic term, Individuality is known only to the
Spirit/Sattvic world.
"When I man enters the water, his all things are wetted." "Yes, even if he
doesn’t believe in water."
Don’t float. Sink.
MysticalK: All angels are weak and coward soldiers of Satan.
If there are such things as angels,
all humans are weak and coward soldiers of God,
if there is such a thing as God.
COURTNEY: I must find out where this hate comes from.
I'm the only thing that's changing, everything else is the same.
Where do they come from?
Where are they going to?
Will I ever reach them? Catch me, I'm falling.
The world is colorful, but all I can see is black.
It has come a long way to take me away.
There's no one to protect me, there's no one to care,
coz all I have is hate to share.
Will I ever find something that lasts forever?
Or will I just wander til it's my time to go?
There must be someone who could help me,
but now I'm just drowning into the sea.
Cityheat: Throw it in the Dark and shut the Door. Be a child. Open the door and
be real.
Elenwen: I'm tired of waiting,
tired of rain,
tired of myself,
tired of not having love,
tired of my friends,
tired of oxygen,
tired of Internet,
tired of Madonna,
tired of death,
tired of life,
tired of everything.
I gotta get back on the road,
but I don't know how,
I'm too tired for it.
YNYS: An angel on my left, an angel on my right. Either way I look, all the
people fight. Don’t you break down and cry.
GLDN74 (Golden Avatar74): He waits atop the virtual battlefield.
The burning embers of truth, destroyed by those who wish to suppress it.
He organized the ones with no direction into an elite force,
capable of free thought and creativity.
They ran sooner than they could walk, but the guardians didn't like what they
saw,
they denied him his simple pleasures, twice in one month.
Should he run into the wilderness, or fight on, for the truth that all deserve?
This afternoon, the unofficial field Marshall nearly threw in the towel for
good,
but he vowed to fight on.
Relentless, his search for justice for all will prevail.
Into the darkness, to bring light.
Into the deep, to rise again.
Karma's Angel: Winter
the wind blows
winter
the cold is in me
winter
dark clouds up here
winter
snowflakes in my rose
winter
rainy foggy days
winter
leafy wintry ways
winter
sweaters here and there
winter
Christmas everywhere
winter
I’m just watching you
winter
silently, quietly, just you
winter
you know me, but you can’t see
winter
what’s behind me, I’m the wind
winter
so then he's coming now
winter
I have to find out somehow
disappear, come and go
Winter season... It’s my home.
Let me off: Somewhere else and someone full of nothing,
falling over
until I can't get up.
Someone made sense
and now we are no-where.
And I don't believe
I can do this again.
Self-admiration
is masked self-abuse.
And autumn leaves
fall dead around me.
A black hole
beneath everything I knew.
And thousands of years for this.
Sing songs, play your instruments and forget.
Because memory is your Trojan horse.
Happiness makes normality seem worse, as
failure becomes your way of life.
Cityheat: Where else could numerous disembodied partygoers have so much mad
fun?? Because, in reality, last night, there were just like…half a dozen or so
brains communicating through wires! So keep on playing those mind games,
forever…chanting the mantras…